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Thursday, December 17th, 2009
jillymilly
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2:17a
08 Remember in the loveless night that night when you were loved
"One of the great lessons God wants us to learn on earth is to trust his love and timing. But the only way we can learn this is by having to wait on things we long for."
I need to thank someone special for letting me to know the true meaning of patience. Let's call her chocolate. Chocolate never seems to fail to make me wait and piss me off. Now i live with the waiting, and sometimes you don't realise it's there. I guess we all need someone to teach us that some things are worth waiting for, like that bowl of pork porridge or those concert tickets. She'll be the death of me one day with her making me mad on this consistent basis. But, you'll realise then when you've been through hell, everything else is comparatively nothing. I'll survive chocolate, and i'll learn more from this special chocolate. Haha
Somebody I love wrote this and when I first read it something moved in me I don't know if it was for me I never asked I don't think so I wouldn't dream so but it felt like it could have been for me, and I almost cried when I read it but I never told him that and..I don't think he'll ever know now and I think he doesn't care but tonight I suddenly thought of it and longed for it and I wanted to hold on to that very same feeling that kept me alive for 9 months...that somebody wrote something that made me cry, because I think nobody else ever did.
It's good that you left, because between you and I both, probably only one of us will ever have courage for that.
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(comment on this)
drateramal
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12:22a
If the movie is anything like the trailer, there's no way its going to let the series down =DD
Gotta love the daggertail cameo at 0.45, and the half sand/fire demon homage to T2T when he uses the dagger xD
Not to mention all the PLATFORMING AHHHH I should go play mirror's edge =\
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(comment on this)
tearsinheaveann
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10:56p
so today it's..
HAPPY SWEET SEVENTEEN LIM YI XIAN! LOVE YOU TO THE MOUNTAINS AND OVER AND I'm sorry i couldnt make it down to surprise you, but at least know that when all the power peopl come home from their power trips we will have a powerful meeting to celebrate the birth of our youngest powerful member!!!!!!! :) btw if you read this, i saw limmin's lj's sexy photo of you NOT BAD SEE YOU BLOSSOMING INTO A SEXY YOUNG GIRL AHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA :)
Well so hmm yeahh :) Yesterday night stayed till 130 in the dark at home to talk to Bff about hahah stuff since we havent been talking properly since I came home from Korea even htough we have been seeing each other whenever possible due to our awesome worksessions :) Haha i really mean it i'm kinda happy to see the 36th so much since I miss quite alot of them :) So monday was wargames prep omg muscle building for the amrs HAHA. Then wg was damn retarded, like we play in faculties HAHA then just whack, finish close shop and move back everything when we took so damn long to set up at the HIGH SCHOOL FIELD. HAHA but still fun! Then after that was present buying for Nigelpoh yay hahaha. We were fast and efficient man. :D Bought mark's super belated present too :)
Tuesday which was yesterday was like a hangout day with welco even though we did serious stuff :D Loved mid term review it was so.. welco haha! Haha i was just damn happy when ms sophie addressed us as the dream team, haha wahhhh. But i really think that we are the dream team hmmz HAHA well! I'm just happy and loved to be in welco because everyone is v lovable too haha :) I have so many countable on welco fwens and guys who can cook and people who are so smart and people who are so.. mysterious HAHA. OH WELL! Just a v fun loving bunch of people love you welco! :D
Celebrated nigel poh's birthday in advance all his birthday prep stuff was so funnily obvious and we had no surprise with him but it was a very good night/dinner :D One of the happiest nights I had with those peoplez in such a long while, love you guys too man :)
Okay i slept like, 2 hours in the afternoon but still v tired now omg :) Had a v funny convo with elainetan online omg hahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaa. :D goodnighttttttz
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(1 comment | comment on this) Wednesday, December 16th, 2009
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(1 comment | comment on this)
iceattitude
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12:46p
been exactly a week since i last updated. life has been okay for the past week; my usual mood is quite... okayish, that's really how i would describe it. there isn't the anxiety that i experienced while preparing for the A's or the SATs, but there's still this background sense of unease or inadequacy, the kind of feeling where i'm quite okay with the present moment but am not fully enjoying it either. still, i've been feeling pretty comfortable overall. there's quite a lot of freedom but it's constrained by my own laziness and also the reluctance to dwell outside for too long. it's getting colder and colder, it's -2 degrees right now even though it's in the afternoon and you can imagine that i would choose to stay indoors at night and enjoy the comfort of my hostel.
so in my last post i mentioned that the students were generally well-behaved and cooperative.. well my opinion is basically the same except that some problems have arisen over the past week. again it reminds me of how on one of the initial days of OCIP there was a debriefing session at night where tensions were high because some of the girls felt the guys weren't putting in that much effort and some people from a clique didn't like some from another (and it ended up very much an arts vs science polarization) and everyone spoke his/her mind and things got a lot better after that.
i shall now assume no one from this trip knows about my blog and just write openly about it. i am supervising six sec 4 boys for their work attachment and things have been going quite okay, like they are self-motivated and cooperative except one of them who has been quite defiant.. the other day while we were having presentations he just walked out saying that it was useless so he was quite rude to me. initially i got a bit frustrated but what the heck.. because i don't buy that much into social conventions, ie. how a "teacher" is supposed to be treated and how he/she should react in the case where a "student" is rude.. i asked them to continue with the presentations and within a short period it didn't matter to me anymore. to me i really don't want to force people to listen to a presentation if they don't want to because ultimately it's up to them.. plus the boys (perhaps except him) understand that these presentations are really for their own benefit, to get them prepared for the attachment. so anyway i didn't think much about the incident and the next day when that boy talked to me i was still friendly with him. i didn't report this incident or anything and paradoxically at the same time i don't know and i know what the right course of action is.. i don't know because there are many things i could do and they could lead to very different results: just forget it? talk to him one-on-one? report to the teacher? get him removed from the attachment? and i know because there's just this awareness, this sense that i feel things will turn out okay. so it's like, i haven't spent much time trying to figure things out because i don't think i need to figure things out because i can just let things be so it's not a problem that i don't know what to do. to some people this might be escaping the problem or not doing the right thing but whatever.. it feels right for me.
one of the anglican high girls, for several days i had this intuition that she reminded me of someone of significance in my life.. then it was only yesterday that i realized that she reminded me of a girl i used to like, mainly her disposition and voice. then it set me thinking of something interesting: if you start to develop feelings for someone new because he/she reminds you of someone you used to like, do you truly have feelings for the person you've just met, or is it the case that your feelings for the person he/she reminds you of are beginning to resurface?
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jillymilly
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12:27p
07 angels we have heard on high
On the twelfth day of Christmas,  jillymilly sent to me... Twelve gymn0s drumming Eleven leosakes piping Ten seventeentruths a-leaping Nine taivlys dancing Eight thenextlanes a-performing Seven sealedkisses a-stitching Six arcanumzws a-sewing Five se-e-e-evenminutesups Four twistedtwirlsThree shaltos Two warmies ...and a piano in a thestreetsong.
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(4 comments | comment on this)
kingofshorties
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11:09a
this is funny in its own right, thanks rachel!
On the twelfth day of Christmas, kingofshorties sent to me... Twelve arcanumzws drumming Eleven sentrovasis piping Ten redlightcitys a-leaping Nine asforiens dancing Eight gmhots a-milking Seven vibeandparodys a-swimming Six xfridayinloves a-laying Five he-e-e-ecatedarkmagics Four pukds Three savedthrugraces Two 4everandnevers ...and a LiveJournal meme in a pear tree.
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paralit
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3:42a
what an awesome comic
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kingofshorties
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12:33a
dramatic turn of events
ok i probably expected this sort of...
that kind of shifts the relative importance of certain things, but its probably not prudent to talk about it here. in fact, its too complicated to even know where to begin.
let's just say i have to readjust all my expectations at this late hour, and it isn't that easy. hmm.
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(5 comments | comment on this) Tuesday, December 15th, 2009
kylize
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9:45p
it's a scary world but ha! you don't know why;
y'know, we're world-beaters.
& we'll always ever be.
i wanted to post but i lost the urge & i got it but lost it again
so here's a really short one to stop myself from wanting to post
oh & post-prom sucks..
not for me, personally
but to see all the shit that ppl can turn themselves into.
current mood:  mmm
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(comment on this)
legod
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3:16p
why your life is shit
okay as my last post indicated, i reached a new stage of enlightenment and can understand all the spiritual stuff better.
i hate all those connotations normally associated with spirituality, the saccharine "love", the humble, super-nice monk, with all those retarded restrictions of no meat no sex or whatever desires
its all about being happy, living a life where you feel alive, exciting, peaceful, where you can feel that life is a gift and not the dreary, boring and dry misery you have for your life
a really enlightened person will make you feel like he is damn cool because its the people who are 100% themselves all the time who we are damn cool. in our world now, hardly anyone is 100% themselves, but to just be 30 or 40% of yourself, you will be perceived as a cool person. when i say cool i don't mean popular or look good, i mean that people recognize you have a personality that is very much your own, a solidity and security that people and circumstances can't shake, a sense of confidence and self-assuredness that makes everyone else comfortable around you and where life is based on your rules, not other people's rules.
our lives start off brilliantly when we're babies, our real selves untouched by the sick and insane society that surrounds us. we smile and laugh and play at everything at every moment. the goodness in us glows through us so everyone, even those that usually rigidly withdrawn in their unhappiness and tensed up can rest and relax, smile and enjoy the presence of the baby.
the shit starts to happen when you're told what is right and what is wrong, what you should do and what you shouldn't do
we think this is education, be it moral or social, but it isn't. when you tell a kid that stealing is bad, you don't change his conscience, his personality, his innate nature. all you do is put a rule inside his head that he must abide at all costs. but is stealing really bad? how about stealing when you need to feed your starving family? its not wrong at all. its not a 'lesser" evil. stealing simply isn't wrong. stealing is neutral. it depends on the circumstances. can you imagine how stupid you'd look like if during ww2, you denounced a person who stole enemy supplies as a thief and a scroundrel?
you don't tell your kid "look, i'm your parent, i'm always right, listen to me and shut the fuck up and sit down" that's a recipe for unhappiness and dysfunction as every teenager knows but its treated as "normal" and "understandable" in this crazy society. you are not always right, often you are wrong, often your experiences color your judgements which are often wrong.
it gets worse and worse when you go "exams are important", "you must do well for exams". absolute rubbish. once you do that, then you create a polarity between unimportant and important. exams are important, anything else unrelated to exams is not important.
once you have that mindset, whenever you're not doing something related to your exams, you beat yourself up going 'this is such a waste of time, i'm not being productive," blahblahblah. when you're playing, you keep thinking omg i should stop playing, my exams are important ladidadida. and then when you sit for your exams, if you score well, well you feel relieved but if you score badly. you go AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH . this is how people become very unhappy.
you can substitute the "exams are important" rule for almost anything in your life that makes you feel unhappy. the "i need a gf" rule, the "i need to be happy" rule, the "i need a car" "i need good grades", "i need to eat" rule. all of these rules make people unhappy.
"but i DO need to eat!". really, you do? what if you don't? then you'll die. whats so bad about dying? there's nothing bad about dying except for the rule put inside your head that says "dying is bad".
if you have that rule inside your head, you're up for some serious manipulation and evil. ww2 germany, hitler says "if you don't kill the jews, i'll fucking hang you" and if you think "dying is bad", ceteris paribus, you're going to kill those people. people become corrupt because of all these rules that they have in their head.
all these rules combine to form up what we call the ego. the ego is an identity formed by all those rules in your head. if you have a "exams are important rule" plus a "honest is important rule" plus a "football is important" rule, your ego is an exam-oriented, honest, footballer.
the most common denominator of a singaporean teenage ego would probably be exam-obsessed teenager in need of a relationship and afraid of speaking in public. the ego fears speaking in public and would almost never do it, its happiness is grealty dependent on their exam results and constantly longs to be in a relationship. this ego becomes who you think you ar.. you think you need good grades to be happy, you think when you get a gf/bf you will feel complete, you think you're a loser because you don't have either. these rules build up into emotions and the emotions reinforce these rules creating a vicious self-perpetuating cycle of misery
but this is not you. these are just rules that have been blasted or seeped into your brain through all sorts of outside influences. who you are is->go back to when you were a baby-> when you were free of all these rubbish rules and you were uncluttered and unclouded by the swirling mix of emotions and thoughts. you didn't need all these rules to live and have fun, learn to walk, run, stand up, talk, do math, discover, explore, make friends when you were a baby. you instinctively took the right action because you know what the right action is. you didn't need any rules to guide your actions.
that's the macro level lets gooooo to the micro level.
imagine being a j1 with the rule "exams are important" very much engrained in him. every mment, he is strangled by the need to do well for exams, constantly stressing himself worrying about it. if this is serious enough, it results in a mental breakdown. but lets assume it doesn't. instead of enjoying each and every moment, and there is only one moment, this moment, this moment is spent worrying and stressing himself over exams. in this way, every moment becomes less alive, less vibrant, insignificant. this is insignificant because its not the exams. only the exams hold any importance, any significance! when he walks to school, the walk is insignficant, merely an obstacle he needs to hurrry past in order to reach school so he can study. this moment becomes insignificant becomes he thinks it is. of course, life becomes so meaningless, so insignificant, so...dreary and painful because each and every moment is spent worrying about exams
each moment, he fights it. when people are disturbing the class, he fights it, he resists it, because they are disrupting his journey to get 4As. every moment not studying, he fights it, resists it, he says "it shouldn't be this way, i need to be doing something to help my exams"
when it crunchtime, the anxiety heightens, his stress and worry crescendos into a nerve-wracking climax, as he treads the line between a mental breakdown and barely managing to write his answers. narrowly he hangs on and manages to write down his answers. but the answers came from a blurry, racing, confused and stressed out mind. how well can he do?
he does badly and then there's deep pain. overwhelming, crushing, pain that depresses and destroys his soul. he deeply resents his grades, he keeps trying to fight it, resist it, he can't help but scream in anguish and break down in tears.
at this point, eckhart tolle would say, accept what is
resisting what is, the walk without studying, the bad grades, creates all the unhappiness. accepting what is, allowing yourself to walk, allowing yourself to have the bad grades, releases you from pain and puts you into peace. when you become at peace with what is, you become peaceful. when you mentally fight what has happened, you suffer. accept your unhappiness, accept your inability to accept.
back to the macro level.
acceptance frees you from suffering, but it doesn't tell you who you are. and to know who you are is the end of suffering, is enlightenment. who you are is the YOU that is unbounded by rules.
what does acceptance do? acceptance breaks down the rules, one by one, gradually and eventually. when you resist something, its because you have a rule inside that says "such and such is important" once you accept something, you no longer serve the rule. you begin to stop believing in it. it will take time before that rule and its corresponding emotions is erased away, but each time you accept it, it loses its power and begins to fade away.
the real you lives in the now. it isn't preoccupied with past and future although it can use it. accept what is happening now. most people unconsciously or consciously resist this moment, resist what is happening now.
if you understand all of this, then conceptually you are enlightened. you know how life works, what enlightenment means, and how to get there. it wasn't that hard was it
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(comment on this) Monday, December 14th, 2009
tearsinheaveann
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11:11p
this sucks
oh dear me wrong person coming back :(
I am upset because
1) Dec is CRAZY? it's driving me mental I swear. Getting past this week will need alot omg
2) I actually think I am alr mental wtf
and I cant help myself from thinking about this
... what are we?
freak slap me someone slap me!! slap me to save me oh god.
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mr_crunchee
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10:47p
I post whenever I reach a lil small milestone haha.
SPH cruise was quite a disaster thanks to some funny reasons but there was awesome company to make it better:)
After I came back, it was craziness all the way, with HCSC work sessions (FUN but erm. i'm back to the nepal shade/darker again:(), and crazy NYSC proposal vetting/editing/conjuring haha....
I've just completed a race against time and i'm very proud of the proposal except one small flaw in one activity hohoho. Hopefully everything will go well! A few hours ago my mentor emailed me asking me how i am and i just vomitted out every single thing that i've been wanting to say but haven't had the chance to haha! I miss my mentor and all his stories!
Time to write your diary hern hern!
Tomorrow's another crazy day. Morning should be OKAY, then dry run (hopefully more people come or i have to find some ways to entertain them), then after which my pocket will have a big big hole xD
Oh well! My life is really full of excitement, sometimes a bit too much. Well, think positive - i guess it's terribly enriching!
Time for some rest...and a bath....:S
Hopefully my friend comes back soon heh.
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irocker
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5:55p
harris
back at Harris resort!
sms is VERY ex so.
the internet here is a free for all affair so when i get the chance to use it i will, if i dont please dont be rash friends!
@ck: i am in batam.
@eugene: amoy st, tell you more when i'm back in SG!
@my mom: don't worry mom i am behaving myself.
(you can message me and i'll reply here if i get the chance :) )
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